Deleting my Dad :( :( :(

As I did when my mother died, I chose to sit shiva at home when my father died last Saturday rather than going to Israel, not only because I can't speak Hebrew well enough to be comforted in it, but also because our sister is not well enough to "host" her own shiva. She was able to join me on Monday.

In both instances, I missed the finality of throwing dirt on my parents' coffins.

When my mother died, reality "hit" when I was waiting outside the sanctuary to be invited in after L'cha Dodi with the traditional "May The Place comfort you . . . "

When my father died, reality "hit" the first time I said Birkat HaMazon/Grace after Meals following his death and realized that I couldn't pray for a blessing for Avi Mori, My Father, My Teacher, anymore.

And deleting my father's name from my cholim/mi-sheh-berach list, the list of ill family and friends for whom I pray during the weekday Amidah prayer and at Torah readings, wasn't any easier than deleting my mother's name had been. :(